I need to do this because I need to acknowledge each trauma, rather than sweeping it under the rug. I need to examine each one under the microscope and understand its impact. I tend to minimize the trauma and look at it as less significant than it has been in my life. I think this might be some mild form of disassociation.
But as it turns out, trauma #7 popped up so strongly this morning. So here we go with #7, the very last in the series.
Background
The most important thing to understand about trauma #7 is that it probably wouldn't have been a trauma to anyone who had a basis of positive self-esteem. My history of unresolved trauma set me up to be re-traumatized by a normal change that occurs to almost everyone in life. However, how it happened and the way I allowed it to happen, once again created a sense of powerlessness and victimization. And it was compounded by the stress of surgery.
I worked for more than 20 years in a spiritual organization. It was the essence and purpose of my life. Ironically, the atmosphere was fraught with stress and criticism. It is said that trauma survivors are drawn to environments that replicate their traumatic experiences. If that's true, this was certainly one of them to a great degree.
I manifested my perfectionist qualities, worked 24/7, and did more work than several other people combined. I was smack dab in the adrenalin loop.
The Young on the Rise
As happens in all organizations, younger people began to emerge and take roles in the organization all over the world. Older people were displaced. Usually a struggle ensued.
To be honest, I didn't want to let go of my role. I was going to be leaving in a few years anyway. I wanted to hold on until then. But my younger colleague and protegé had different ideas about that.
When I took a leave for surgery, she began a campaign against me. She would deny that it was a campaign, but I'm not stupid. I could see clear what she was doing and others gave me an earfull about it. Behind all her sweetness and innocence, she clearly wanted my job and was dead set on getting it.
I was coping with the impact of surgery and the stress of recovery. I was essentially powerless, sitting at home while she worked her insidious plan behind my back. I should have been resting and recovering. But I was seriously on edge and anxious about losing my job. Every time the phone would ring, I would jump to high heaven knowing that my existence was threatened.
Because in my life: my job = my identity = my existence
Thus began a year of separating from my job. Seeing the writing on the wall, I eventually volunteered to step down, but that didn't make it any easier.
However, I didn't step away completely. I took another role in the organization, a big mistake. But I was under the illusion that the organization needed me.
Naturally, a year later when there was a financial crisis, I was one of the first pinned to go. Again it was painful and protracted.
- I felt humiliated.
- The central meaning of my life was taken away.
- Other people were making decisions about my future.
- It was decided that I should go into personal retreat. While that should have been, in one sense, a joyful idea, at first it seemed like a punishment to me. It also isolated me from everyone I knew and all that had been important to me.
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