Trauma #1

I think I have found the perfect book on trauma for me. It is called Healing from Trauma by Jasmine Cori.

It takes into account trauma that doesn't fully meet the PTSD diagnostic criteria. It explains how not have established a healthy attachment to one's parents means you have fewer resources for trauma. It also offers a spiritual perspective.

At the end of the first chapter, Jasmine offers these for questions for exploration.

1. Identify a traumatic event.
2. Was this visible to others at the time. How did they respond?
3. Has this event been acknowledged as traumatic? What help, if any did you get?
4. Reflecting on this event now, what precipitating factors are you still sensitive to? Has your responsiveness to these stimuli increased or decreased over time?

Over the next week, I plan to apply these four questions to the 8 traumas of my life beginning with trauma #1 today.

Trauma #1 - A Less Than Peaceful Environment

According to a therapist I know, not being able to form a proper attachment to one's parents is traumatic in and of itself, especially if the parents are self-absorbed. The child senses the distance and tries to adapt and adjust to bridge the gap.

I know the environment of my home was chaotic. My two brothers were 16 and 15 years older respectively and my sister was 10 years older. Three children is already a lot on any mother's plate. I probably wasn't planned.

I know that my brothers were rebellious and my sister found the environment harsh. My brother says my parents married too early. They still wanted to have fun and spent several evenings out each week. It was not easy for my father to make ends meet. In addition to his day job, he worked as a bartender at night. So there were many late nights.

My brother says that my father was an orphan. His parents divorced, his mother left. I don't know what happened to him. He didn't come from a stable family environment. Whereas my mother was the youngest in a family of 11 children.

The doctor gave my mother permission to drink a beer now and then while I was in the womb. He said it would help her relax. I was born premature, weighing in at a little less than 5 lbs. I was the first baby to be born in a hospital. My brother remembers taking my mother to the hospital. Even though I was slightly premature, I was allowed to go home with my mom.

I have no memories of life between the ages of 1-5. Does anyone? Am I normal or peculiar in this way? I don't know or remember if I was breastfed. My sister tells me that I had my days and nights mixed up. I was always awake at night for the first three months, which was not easy at all for my mother. She said she would have gone nuts if she wasn't able to smoke. So chances are I was exposed to smoke fumes at that early age.

I have no idea what those first 5 years of life were like. From what I've been told the atmosphere was less than peaceful. My father could be very harsh. The two rebellious boys probably pushed him to his limits more than once. There was a fair amount of drinking and a fair amount of absence on the part of my parents. My older sister speaks as though she were my primary caregiver. She felt like she was always taking care of me and she worries that she might have messed me up in one way or the other.

Early Memories
I had the measles or mumps. I received special attention and I liked that. (CP-Street)

I came home from school needing to pee but my mother wasn't home yet. She was working at a Dry Cleaning Store part-time. I don't know how I got home from school. I just remember having too pee badly, feeling very uncomfortable, and feeling very embarrassed. I don't know if I peed in my pants or not. (K-Street)

The Dry Cleaning Story had some kind of vault or storage in the back. I didn't like that. It was scary. I was already fearful.


{Reminder re car accident. I don't like cars speeding at me.}