My trauma counts

My life has been touched - at times, devastated - by not just one but several traumas. Somehow, I managed and I survived.

But I'm confused because my trauma doesn't fit neatly into any of the defined categories.

There's no question I had full blown trauma symptoms after I was sexually assaulted as a young adult. At the time, there was no formal diagnostic criteria for PTSD. Even if there had been, I may not have qualified for the diagnosis since I was able to return to work. Not right away, but in the not too distant future.

A PTSD diagnosis requires that the symptoms significantly interfere with your ability to work or with you interpersonal relationships. That wasn't the case for me. I was able to manage these functions. I still had symptoms bursting out here and there, but I managed.

Does that mean I didn't have PTSD? And what happens to people that are still impacted by trauma many years later although they now don't have the full blown away of symptoms associated with PTSD. Did I just develop a mild anxiety disorder in it's place. Or are my symptoms arising due to other elements of physical illness?

You see, I managed but trauma has continued to impact my life. And when there was a gap it seemed like it broke through and grabbed me in a stranglehold, almost 40 years later.

The Set-Up for PTSD

Fear was a pervasive factor in my life far before the sexual assault or other traumas I suffered. I didn't feel safe as a child. A psychotherapist who knows my family well - she's married to one of us - uses the term "Complex PTSD" to describe my background. But when I look at the descriptions of Complex PTSD and stories of survivors, they sound so severe.

She says I don't understand child abuse and neglect. Abuse and neglect can occur on an emotional level when your parents are narcissistic, even if there's no physical or sexual abuse.

"Can you get PTSD from emotional abuse and neglect without violence?" This is what Michele Rosenthal at Heal My PTSD says about this question.

"Yes. Childhood abuse of this kind frequently sets up survivors for a PTSD experience."

That's how I feel. My childhood set me up for trauma and anxiety and they did indeed sweep into my life in multiple ways.

Here's another example of PTSD-type symptoms occurring in the mother of an autistic child.

And if you’re a parent of a child who does that, you become ultra-aware of your child’s triggers, or possible triggers. This is just one of the many reasons why recent studies (sorry -can’t seem to find the link right now) have indicated that some parents of children with autism have PTSD, from years of being hyper-vigilant, stressed, and exhausted, among other reasons.

That's why my life has been like - filled with avoidance and hypervigilance to some degree. When I had to part ways with my lifelong work, the symptoms seemed to burst through and get out of control. Apparently, I was retraumatized.

I don't necessarily want a formal diagnosis of PTSD. But at long last I want to embrace the notion that my trauma does count. I no longer need to pretend I wasn't effected. I no longer can.

I have many questions. I am determined to find answers. I am determined to recover.